


Small Poofs

by maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Holtzbert - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot Collection, Smut, my apologies in advance, pretty much everything will be in here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-10-09 12:04:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: A collection of Holtzbert one-shots, drabbles and prompts that fall out of my trash obsessed brain. It's gonna be a mixed bag in here folks.





	1. bullet

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided I'd be one of the cool kids and finally have a collection for all my one-shot brainfarts and what not. This is an attempt to encourage myself to write smaller bits and not the albatrosses I've been dealing in lately.
> 
> This first chapter is based off a prompt I randomly got in my tumblr inbox not long ago: "Holtz gets shot for Erin (stalker) i have this awful image of like an insane obsessed fan trying to shoot Erin but Holtz pushing her out the way and getting hit instead & how they get closer during recovery idk it's so sad."
> 
> This one's for Dreamshaper who is the only person I know who's more of a hurt/comfort stan than I am.

 

“It’s just a fan letter.”

Holtzmann looks at Erin, concern evident in the crinkle that has formed between her eyebrows.

“Seems a little stalkerish to me E. Creepy”

Ever since the Ghostbusters saved New York, fan mail has been a regular occurrence at the firehouse. The majority are for Holtzmann, some scented with perfume, hearts drawn all over the envelopes. Erin tries not to let this bother her. Tries not to analyze  _ why  _ this bothers her.

But Erin received a letter today. It’s not wordy, just a man telling her how much he admires her intelligence. Her fierce devotion to learning more about the paranormal. He signs the letter “Steve” and adds a postscript.

“‘P.S. You look very attractive in your Ghostbusters coveralls.’ That’s not creepy Erin? OK.”

Erin grabs the letter out of the engineer’s hands, annoyance now displayed on her face.

“You didn’t see me complaining when you got that pair of panties sent to you via FedEx last month. Jeez Holtz, I’m just going to send him the standard ‘thank you for taking the time to write and being a fan’ response. What’s the big deal?”

Holtzmann opens her mouth, as if to say something. Instead, she shakes her head and walks away.

Erin frowns. 

She can’t understand why Holtzmann is so upset.

It’s just a fan letter.

* * *

It’s a Friday night and the Ghostbusters are unwinding at one of their usual spots. Pizza. Beer. A few fans who shyly approach them, asking for selfies. Erin can’t help but huff when a young, attractive woman takes a selfie with Holtzmann, kissing her cheek. The engineer winks at the young lady afterward, Erin turning her head in disgust. While she does so, she catches Abby’s eye. Her friend gives her a knowing look.

A popular dance song blares over the speakers and Holtzmann practically jumps out of the booth they’ve been sitting in. 

“Come on ladies! This is my jam!”

Abby steadfastly shakes her head. “You know I don’t dance Holtzmann. Nuh-uh.”

“Pattycakes?”

“Holtzy, this music is garbage. Now if they were playing a little Stevie, my ass would have beat you to the dance floor. But this? No way.”

Holtzmann extends her hand toward Erin. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me Gilbert.”

“I don’t think this is a good ide- HOLTZMANN!”

The engineer has grabbed Erin’s hand and is pulling her to the dance floor. She can hear Abby and Patty hooting and cheering behind her. Once they’re in the middle of a small group of other patrons Holtzmann loosely grabs Erin by the hips.

“Shake it like your mama gave ya Er.”

Holtzmann is mouthing the words to the song as she moves her hips to the beat. Erin sways a bit to the music, but all she can concentrate on is the burning sensation where the engineer’s hands are resting. The way she licks her lips as she lip-syncs. The blueness of eyes she feels she could get lost in indeterminately.

She’s interrupted in her musings by Holtzmann coming to an abrupt stop.

“Holtz?” The look on the engineer’s face alarms her. “What is it?”

“There’s a dude at the bar. He’s been...staring at us.”

Erin glances over her shoulder. She sees a man in his mid-30s sipping his beer. He’s watching the television that’s currently playing some sporting event, but by his body position, it’s evident he was looking at the dance floor.

“So? What’s unusual about that?”

Erin looks back at Holtzmann, whose eyes are still shooting darts at the man at the bar. “I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

She doesn’t know what to say so Erin squeezes Holtzmann’s shoulder. The engineer just shakes her head, her urge to dance having evaporated.

As they’re walking back to the booth Erin notices the man at the bar is gone.

* * *

Erin giggles.

They’re leaving the bar, and the Ghostbusters are pleasantly buzzed. Patty is the last one to exit, looking sheepish as she had just given the bouncer her number.

“Ooh, get on with your bad self Pattycakes!” Holtzmann bellows, thrusting a fist into the air.

“Oh shut it Holtzy.” Patty tries to look serious, but she’s beaming.

The foursome make their way down the block, to where the Ecto-1 is parked. Abby and Patty lead the way, still talking excitedly about the historian’s possible new beau. Holtzmann wraps an arm around Erin’s shoulder as they walk behind them.

“Did ya have fun tonight Gilbert?”

Erin tries to ignore the heat where the engineer’s body is touching her own. “I did Holtz, and -”

“ERIN GILBERT!”

An angry male voice stops the foursome in their tracks. They turn to see a man about 12 feet away from them. Glaring.

It’s the guy from the bar.

“Yes?” The physicist cautiously takes a step forward, despite Holtzmann tugging her hand, trying to pull her away.

The man walks up quickly, a sneer on his face.

“If I can’t have you, no one can.”

He’s looking at Holtzmann when he says it, and Erin’s scared and confused. The man reaches into his waistband and pulls out a gun. He aims it at her.

Erin freezes.

There’s a bang and Erin’s on the ground, a weight on top of her. It’s Holtzmann’s who’s pushed her out of the way, Holtzmann who reacted quickly, Holtzmann who’s saved her. 

She hears another shot and closes her eyes as the bullet embeds itself in the pavement a few feet from her head. She hears Patty shout expletives, the sound of her fist hitting the man square in the jaw. The man crying out in pain. Abby screaming, “I kicked the gun out of his hand, someone hold him down, someone call the cops!”

Erin breathes a sigh of relief amidst her heart pounding. She reaches behind her, to lay a comforting hand on the engineer’s waist.

Her hand comes back crimson.

“Holtz! Oh no, oh god.”

Erin carefully flips the younger woman over, cradling her in her lap. She looks down to see Holtzmann’s t-shirt completely stained red, blood pouring out of a wound in her abdomen. She tries to stop the bleeding with her hands, shouting as she does so.

“Help! I need help!”

Holtzmann’s eyes flicker open. She’s white as a sheet and breathing shallowly. Erin feels like vomiting. 

_ No, it’s not supposed to happen like this, it’s not… _

“Fuck - it hurts so bad.” Holtzmann’s voice is shaky and raw. She covers Erin’s hands with her own, trying to staunch the blood that’s now staining the sidewalk.

“Holtz -” Erin tries not to cry, tries to be strong. “We’re going to get help. Hang in there” The physicist’s breath hitches. “For me.”

Abby rushes over, thrusting an armful of towels at Erin. “The bar gave us these - they’ve called the ambulance. They should be here soon.”

Erin glances over at the man who shot Holtzmann, now pinned on the ground by several other men. Abby follows her gaze.

“He can’t hurt you Erin. That asshole’s going to pay.”

A low moan from Holtzmann brings Erin’s attention back to the engineer. She grabs several towels, pressing them to the bullet wound. She can hear the ambulance approaching.

“Holtzy - Why? Why did you do this?”

Holtzmann places an unsteady, bloodied hand on Erin’s cheek.

“Because - because I lov-”

Holtzmann loses consciousness.

Erin screams.

* * *

As she rubs her temples, Erin grunts.

Holtzmann has been out of surgery for several hours. By a stroke of luck, the bullet missed Holtzmann’s major organs by centimeters. The surgery to patch her up took three hours, but the bullet’s removed and the doctors say she should make a full recovery. Erin looks over at the sleeping engineer on the bed next to her and tries to imagine what would’ve happened if the bullet had moved over slightly. What life would be like without the eccentric blonde whose hand she is gripping perhaps a little too tightly.

_ I can’t. I can’t imagine my life without her. _

She feels Holtzmann’s hand squeezing her own. Erin hastily wipes a tear from her face as the younger woman opens her eyes.

“Hey -”

“Hey yourself. How are you feeling Holtzy?”

“Like someone impaled me on a wienermobile. But that’s not important. How are you?”

Erin is confused. “Me? I’m fine Holtz. Not a scratch on me.” That’s a lie, Erin’s elbow and knees are scraped up from diving to the ground, but Holtzmann needs not know this.

Holtzmann grips Erin’s hand tighter. “I saw him point that gun at you and I couldn’t imagine not having you in my life, so I did what I had to do. I’d do anything for you Erin.”

The fact that Holtzmann’s mere hours from a near-death experience and concerned only for Erin stuns her into silence. It’s hard for her to comprehend. So she does the only thing she can think of.

She leans forward and kisses her.

The kiss is awkward, Holtzmann hooked up to machines and partially immobile, Erin’s head at a bad angle. But Holtzmann’s tongue lightly caresses the physicist’s as a promise of things to come and both women groan.

They pull apart and Holtzmann winks.

Erin giggles. She rests her head on Holtzmann’s chest, the engineer's IV’ed hand resting on her back.

Abby and Patty come back from a coffee run 30 minutes later to find the two women in the same position, fast asleep.

They give each other a knowing smile. And leave the sleeping Ghostbusters alone to dream.

* * *

Holtzmann tosses a candy wrapper at Erin. It hits her in the breast.

“Bullseye!” The engineer cackles. 

Erin brushes the wrapper away, feigning annoyance. In truth, she’s amused by Holtzmann’s antics. She treasures them. 

_ Every day with her is a gift. _

It’s been two weeks since Holtzmann’s release from the hospital, and she’s for all intents and purposes moved into Erin’s apartment.  _ I need to keep an eye on her _ , Erin muses.  _ What if she needs me? _

Erin knows she needs Holtzmann. Perhaps more than she’s willing to admit.

Their nights have been filled with take out and bad tv and snuggles on the couch. Passionate kissing on said couch, but never more, Erin worried she may hurt the engineer. Erin unsure of what it would mean.

So they skirt around where their relationship is headed, avoiding talking about their feelings.

_ She took a damn bullet for you Gilbert. She told you she loves you. Sorta. _

Erin looks over at Holtzmann, sitting just a few feet from her. She’s munching on her caramel, intently viewing some terrible reality tv show she insisted they watch. Her feet are on the coffee table, socks not matching, her big toe poking out of one of them.

She takes a deep breath.

“Holtz?”

The engineer turns, swallowing the sticky candy before speaking. “Whassup?”

She can’t think of the words, the phrases to express how she feels. So Erin blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“I want you.”

She’s mortified. Until Holtzmann has closed the gap between them, her lips on her own, her hands in her hair. She’s dizzy when the younger woman pulls away, her eyes as intense as she’s ever seen them.

“Then take me.”

* * *

The sun’s nearly up, but they don’t care.

Erin’s snuggled in the crook of Holtzmann’s neck, the engineer’s arm loosely around her shoulders. The bedroom is a testament to the happenings of the last few hours. Clothes strewn everywhere - including Holtzmann’s boxers flung on top of one of the lampshades of Erin’s bedside lights. Tangled sheets which barely over their nude bodies, the fitted sheet long having since come off two corners of the queen bed. The ceiling fan spinning, Holtzmann turning it on hours ago in an attempt to cool them off and disperse the overpowering scent of their lovemaking.

Holtzmann kisses Erin’s forehead. “How ya doing hot stuff?”

“Fine. The best actually.” Erin’s voice is sleepy and somewhat far away. But there’s no mistaking her happiness. She lightly traces the still healing scar on the engineer’s stomach. Holtzmann shivers.

“Sorry.” Erin pulls her hand away. “I didn’t know it was still painful.”

“It’s not. I mean, not like before.” Holtzmann covers Erin’s hand with her own, placing it over the wound. “As much as it hurt, as much as I was scared it was the end, I will always treasure this scar.”

Erin props her head up to look the engineer in the eyes. “Why?”

Holtzmann swallows. “It’s a reminder of how much you mean to me. Of how much I love you.”

She cups Erin’s cheek and kisses her tenderly, languidly. When they pull apart Erin’s cheeks are damp, her voice husky.

“I love you too Holtzmann.”

The blonde beams. “Awesome!”

The physicist snorts and boops Holtzmann on the nose. “You are such a dork.”

“I am. But I’m your dork.”

Erin pushes a wayward curl behind Holtzmann’s ear, speaking affectionately before leaning in for another kiss.

“Forever.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two more one-shots on the table to write, so hopefully this will be updated sooner than later. If you like filth, don't miss the next one, hehe ;)


	2. barista

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when gadgetsandgizmos requests smut, and gives you a few prompts. And because she's ruined me with her last fic, this is probably this smuttiest smut that's ever come out of this very depraved noggin. Sorry about your pants, buddy ;)
> 
> The rest of you get to enjoy this attempt at smut-uppance. Sorry, not sorry. Just whatever ever you do, don't read this in public.

_ The pulse is pounding in her ears, the sweat dripping from her temples. _

_ It’s never felt like this with her. Never felt like this  _ ever.

_ One slight twist, one adjustment and it’s over.  _

_ Holtzmann’s world fades away. _

* * *

It started innocently enough. A midday trip to the local cafe, Holtzmann craving a coffee monstrosity, Erin willing to break her no-caffeine-after-nine rule to spend a little quality time with her girlfriend.

_ Her girlfriend. _

It had been three months and there were times Erin still couldn’t believe this beautiful, eccentric creature was hers, mind, body and spirit. They had danced around their attraction to one another (sometimes literally in Holtz’s case), until one late night at the firehouse. 

They burned. Together.

They had been inseparable since then, often times to the annoyance of Abby and Patty. They both knew their friends were happy, having seen the heated looks, the light touches, the innuendo that had dragged on far too long. They were simply tired of finding them in compromising positions in their place of work. In the Ecto-1. And once in the bathroom of the library where they had successfully caught three class IVs in under an hour.

Erin was roused out of her musings by Holtzmann nudging her.

“Huh, what?”

“I asked what you wanted babe. Wakey, wakey.” 

Erin shook her head and blinked, surprised she had been reminiscing so long that they were already at the front of the line to order their drinks. “Medium chai soy latte please.” She heard Holtzmann mumble “booooooring” under her breath, earning a playful hip bump from the physicist.

After Holtzmann pulled out her duct-taped leather wallet to pay, the couple moved to the end of the counter to wait for their drinks. Holtzmann looked Erin up and down while leaning on the ledge behind the espresso machine, giving the physicist a sly smile. Erin could feel her ears reddening, a mere look from her girlfriend making her feel hot in all the right places. She enjoyed that she and Holtzmann could stand right next to one another, co-exist in the same space, and not feel the need to make small talk. 

They could just be.

“Soy chai latte and caramel mocha, extra whip, double the espresso.” Erin grimaced at the mere mention of Holtzmann’s sugar bomb that masqueraded as coffee. She turned to face the barista who was holding out their drinks, a fresh-faced young woman with blue eyes nearly as clear and piercing as Holtzmann’s.

“Thank you.” Erin eyes widened as she felt the barista’s fingers brush against hers as she grabbed the two coffee cups.  _ That wasn’t intentional, was it? _

“Have a nice day cutie.” The barista winked at her, Erin looking over at Holtzmann in confusion. Usually the public at large flirted with Holtzmann when they were out together, but certainly not her.

Holtzmann was barely able to contain her laughter, bowling over in half once they walked outside.

“Oh my god, your face Gilbert. You looked like you were about to faint when that girl flirted with you!”

“She wasn’t flirting, just being friendly. Not everything has to be about -” Erin stopped speaking when she saw the side of her paper coffee cup.

There was a phone number scrawled on it, along with a heart. Erin tried to cover it up with her hand, but it was too late.

“Erin Gilbert got digits. Oooooooh, girl look at you go.” Holtzmann gave Erin a slap on the back, almost causing the physicist to spit her chai all over the sidewalk.

“Shut up, she was like 19.”

“Oh, not into the virginal ones, eh babe? I bet you could show her a thing or two,” The blonde winked before cackling.

She was thankful Holtzmann wasn’t displaying any jealousy, but Erin was slightly miffed that her girlfriend still pegged her to be some naive, hesitant flower at times. Erin certainly acquiesced to Holtzmann’s vibrant personality and quirks, but she had been around the block, seen a lot, and then some. But Holtzmann sometimes forgot that.

_ I’ll have to remind her… _

As they walked hand-in-hand toward the firehouse, Erin’s flirt forgotten about, an idea popped into Erin’s head. 

_ A teaching moment. _

The physicist smirked as she sipped her drink, Holtzmann too busy babbling about her most recent invention to take notice.

_ Indeed. _

* * *

Over a week had passed before Erin put her plan into action on a Friday. She purposely waited until Abby came upstairs to look over some equations on the physicist’s white board. She sauntered over to Holtzmann, who was studiously re-wiring one of the ghost traps.

“Holtzy.” Erin made sure to lick her lips and put one hand on her hip. She saw the blonde’s eyes widen when she looked up. Erin had put on a form fitting skirt and one of her lower cut blouses when she got dressed that morning, Holtzmann making an appreciative noise when she saw her girlfriend’s attire after stepping out of the shower. The blazer she had worn as well now hung over her chair, giving the engineer a good look at the very top of her cleavage.

“E-erin.” 

The physicist smirked at the shake in the younger woman’s voice, knowing she had Holtzmann right where she wanted her. “I have plans for us this evening. Big plans. Want me to tell you what they are?”

Holtzmann nervously looked over Erin’s shoulder at Abby, still seemingly engrossed in analyzing the physicist’s numbers.

“Don’t worry honey, I’ll whisper them in your ear. She won’t hear a thing.” Erin put both hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders, leaning forward so her lips touched Holtzmann’s earlobe when she spoke, enjoying the way the blonde shivered. She knew damn well ears were one of the engineer’s erogenous zones.

She spoke barely over a whisper, describing in detail her plans for later. Erin felt Holtzmann squirm on her stool, her breath hitching when she depicted exactly what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do it. She knew she had riled her girlfriend up.

“Sound good sweetheart?” Erin stepped back, taking delight in the flush on the younger woman’s face, the way she was twisting the bottom of her t-shirt in her hands.

“What the hell are you two doing over there? Cut it out!” Abby’s voice prevented Holtzmann from answering Erin’s question. But she didn’t have to. Her mere reaction told Erin enough.

“I was just having a chat with my lady over here. Now let’s get down to business Abs.” Erin bit the bottom of her lip before turning around, making sure she wiggled her hips a lot more than needed when she walked back to her desk.

She heard a low moan behind her. Only four more hours until quitting time.

_ Right where I want her. _

* * *

“I feel a little guilty.”

“About what?”

Holtzmann fidgeted. “I mean, when Sam gave us a key to this place, I don’t think this was what she had in mind when she asked us to keep an eye on things.”

The couple was standing in the middle of a now shuttered cafe, one the Ghostbusters used to visit quite frequently. When the owner’s mother became ill, she decided to sell the business and move to Florida. The storefront was still not occupied, thus she had given the team a key, to check in on occasion and ensure everything looked ok.

“I feel silly wearing this.”

“If you want some, you’re gonna wear it.”

Holtzmann frowned as she wrapped a maroon apron around her waist, an accompanying red visor perched on her curls. Erin had made sure that all the items were in place prior to arrival to make this role-play as close to authentic as possible. They had done some minor roleplaying games before, but certainly nothing of this magnitude.

Erin saw the way Holtzmann’s fingers were shaking as she tied the apron off. And it made her  _ wet. _

_ Later. It’s time to show Holtz a thing or two. _

“Ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be E. Give me your best shot.”

_ Oh, if you only knew. _

Holtzmann walked behind the counter, assuming the role of the young, innocent barista. She didn’t know exactly what role Erin was playing.

She would soon find out.

Erin approached the counter, Holtzmann ready with the one line the physicist supplied her.

“Oh, sorry, we’re closed.”

“The door was still open.” Erin saw something flash in the engineer’s eyes when she heard her short, clipped tone. It was  _ delicious. _

“Well, um, I was just about to lock up when you walked in.”

“You didn’t. Now give me what I want.”

Holtzmann licked her lips nervously. “What do you want.”

“Coffee. And you for dessert.”

The engineer coughed. “Excuse me ma’am?”

“That’s Doctor to you. Now make me a cup of coffee. But lock the door first.”

Holtzmann stood still for a moment, unsure of where she was supposed to go with this. 

Erin knew the engineer was a natural top - she rarely relinquished control in bed, and Erin enjoyed it immensely. But sometimes the physicist ached to take over, to make Holtzmann come helplessly undone beneath her. 

She would leave no question who was in command tonight.

“Lock the fucking door.”

Holtzmann practically ran to the entrance, feigning a locking action. Erin noticed the way the younger woman was walking back to the counter and had to bite back a smile.

_ I bet she’s soaked. _

Holtzmann resumed her place behind the counter, eyes wide, her fingers twitching at her sides.

“What’s your name honey?”

“Jillian.”

“Jillian, make me a cup of coffee.” Erin gave the blonde a sly smile before walking to the other end of the counter, awaiting her drink. She drummed her well manicured fingernails on the counter, awaiting the cup of coffee that she had brought with her to the cafe when setting things up for the evening. 

Holtzmann handed the cup over to Erin, the physicist making sure to brush her fingers against the other woman’s. She saw her girlfriend gulp. She reveled in it.

“So, um, what did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t. You can call me Dr. Gilbert.” Erin took a sip of her coffee, which was cold by this point. She tried not to grimace, knowing that she had a role to play. “Are you in school, Jillian?”

“Yes, I’m a senior at the university.” Erin smiled at how obedient Holtzmann was at reciting the backstory she had given her earlier.  _ I’ll reward her later. _

“Oh, that’s nice Jillian. Tell me,” Erin put the coffee cup down on the counter and cupped Holtzmann’s cheek. “Do you have a boyfriend?” Erin lifted an eyebrow. “A girlfriend?”

“Um, not anymore. My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago.”

“Poor baby. A pretty thing like you?” Erin traced her finger down the blonde’s cheek, moving it to her lips. “You must be so lonely.” The physicist leaned closer, bringing her face so close to Holtzmann’s she knew the engineer could feel her hot breath on her face. “You know you don’t have to be. Not tonight.”

Erin closed the gap between them with a bruising kiss, thrusting her hands in Holtzmann’s hair so forcefully that her visor fell to the floor. The younger woman groaned, and when she did, Erin entered her mouth with her tongue. Before they parted, she made sure to bite down on Holtzmann’s slightly chapped bottom lip.

“We shouldn’t,” Holtzmann whimpered. “Someone could see.”

“I don’t care. Do you?” Erin began to place opened mouth kisses on Holtzmann’s neck. “I’ll stop if you want me to, but know that I want nothing more than to throw you back on this counter and make you scream my name.”

“Oh god, Dr. Gilbert.”

“Is that a yes?” Erin cupped a breast through the apron and t-shirt, Holtzmann arching into her touch. All the blonde could do was moan.

“That’s definitely a yes.” Erin moved away from the engineer and walked around the counter, turning Holtzmann toward her and grabbing her hips once she was next to her. She placed one kiss full of promise on the younger woman’s lips before pushing her backward, Holtzmann falling back on the counter. Erin stood there for a moment, watching her girlfriend’s chest rise and fall, her eyes hooded.

“How far did you get with your ex-girlfriend Jillian?” Erin began to unbuckle Holtzmann’s corduroys, noting the way her hips bucked at the mere proximity of the physicist’s hands. 

“We, uh did it. A bunch of times. It was ok, but I -”

“She never got you off did she?”

“No…oh shit.” Erin had unbuttoned and unzipped Holtzmann’s pants, tugging them down so they fell to the floor. The physicist licked her lips, the smell of her girlfriend’s arousal apparent even before she had taken her boxers off.

“Well, we’ll take care of that tonight Jillian. I’m gonna make you come so hard you’ll forget your name.” With that statement Erin tugged Holtzmann’s boxers off, pulling the blonde’s body toward her before dropping to her knees.

“So wet.” Erin dipped a finger into the engineer’s folds, enjoying the way her girlfriend gasped at the contact. “Have you ever thought about this? An older woman teaching you? Taking you? Fucking you so hard you can’t walk the next morning?”

“HNGH.”

“Answer me Jillian.”

“Yes, fuck. I want this. I want this so badly.”

“How badly?” Erin leaned forward and flicked Holtzmann lightly on her clit with her tongue. The engineer’s thighs jolted. 

“Dr. Gilbert -”

“No. Tell me. Tell me now. I want to know how you want me to take you.” Erin leaned back on her knees, crossing her arms over her chest.

Holtzmann licked her lips, her voice raspy. “I never wanted someone to taste me as much as I want you to right now.”

“Good answer.” Erin roughly shoved Holtzmann’s thighs apart and pressed her tongue flat against the blonde’s entrance. She stayed there, enjoying the way Holtzmann squirmed against it in an attempt to get any sort of friction. 

“Pleaseee…”

Erin decided she’d let her girlfriend suffer long enough. She spread Holtzmann’s lips open with two fingers. And feasted.

“Fuuuuuuuck.” Holtzmann grabbed Erin by the hair, the physicist groaning against her. The vibrations caused Holtzmann’s hips to buck.

“You taste so fucking good Jillian. Hang on, I’m going to let you come now.”

Erin licked circles around Holtzmann’s clit, the engineer's hips thrusting with every circuit. When she heard her girlfriend’s breathing start to speed up, her legs begin to shake, Erin dug her nails on the inside of Holtzmann’s thighs and took her clit entirely into her mouth. And sucked. 

“Jesus, fuck, I’m going to -” 

She could feel Holtzmann’s walls pulsing as she climaxed, Erin moving her mouth downward to lap up every drop of her girlfriend’s completion. As Holtzmann’s hands went slack in her hair, her groans turning into soft whimpers, Erin moved backward, getting to her feet to place a sloppy kiss on the engineer’s lips.

“You taste yourself on me, huh? That’s your come. I could eat you out all night, but I think you deserve a little more JIllian.”

The physicist stood up and straightened her skirt. “Rest for a moment Jillian. You’ll need your bearings for what I want to do to you next. Meet me in your breakroom in five.”

Erin turned abruptly and headed to the door labeled Employees Only. Once inside, she grabbed her briefcase off the floor, removing two items, preparing herself for the next part of her plan.

_ Now it’s time. Time to show her she’s all mine. _

Erin lounged on the bright red couch in the small break room, awaiting her girlfriend’s arrival. She heard Holtzmann’s padded feet approaching, the engineer clad only in a t-shirt, her apron and argyle socks as she opened the door.

“What - what is that?”

“It’s my cock. Don’t you like it?”

The physicist had removed her skirt and panties, replacing it with a harness and purple dildo. She was usually on the receiving end of the strap-on, Holtzmann only letting her try it twice prior. But now it was her turn again.

She was going to pound Holtzmann into next week.

“I’ve never - I don’t -” 

“Don’t be afraid Jillian. Come sit next to me.” Erin patted the cushion next to her, Holtzmann nervously coming to rest, her thighs touching the physicist’s. For a brief moment, she dropped the facade.

“Do you remember the safe word Holtz?”

“Yessss.”

“Good. You might need it.”

Erin grabbed Holtzmann by the hair and crushed their lips together. One hand slipped under the blonde’s t-shirt, twisting her already erect nipple. Holtzmann mewed against her lips.

“Straddle me now Jillian. I’m not going to make you take it yet. I just want to get you ready. Make sure you’re wet enough.”

Holtzmann shakily nodded her head, Erin’s hands on her waist, guiding her to place one leg on the opposite side of each of her thighs. She rested the dildo against one of the blonde’s ass cheeks. Erin brought one hand down to Holtzmann’s clit and rubbed.

“Ugh, so good.”

“Is it Jillian? You like that?”

“Yesssss.”

Erin dipped her fingers down to Holtzmann’s lips, entering her with one finger. “How about that?”

“Oh Jesus.” 

When Holtzmann began to thrust down on her hand, Erin knew it was time.

“Ok honey, lift up your hips. Grab the couch with both hands. It’s time for you to take this. All of this.”

Holtzmann’s eyes were glassy as she followed Erin’s instructions. She gave Erin a nearly indeterminate nod as the toy was placed at her entrance. She sank down. And keened.

“Fuuuuuuuuck, Erinnnn.”

The physicist didn’t care that Holtzmann was out of character. As far as she was concerned the charade was over. She was about to give her girlfriend an experience she would never forget.

“Start moving Holtz. Shit.”

The sight of Holtzmann above her, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, sent a rush of heat down to Erin’s center. She hadn’t planned this, but she was going to make it happen. 

She wanted to come with her.

Holtzmann used her leverage with her arms to rise up and then sink back down on the dildo, to the hilt. After a few minor adjustments, Erin began to push upward with each thrust, enjoying the guttural moans as flesh slapped against flesh.

“Am I hitting the spot…”

“Fuck yes, Erin. Don’t stop, oh godddd.”

Erin bit her lip, her thighs burning, sweat beginning to drip down the back of her neck. She could feel a familiar tug, one that was approaching much quicker then anticipated.

“Holtz, are you close? Please baby, I need you to come, I can’t…”

In response, the blonde moved one hand down her body, her fingers resting on her clit.

“Harder. God, I’m going come all over your cock. Oh shit.”

Erin dug her fingers into Holtzmann’s hips, using all her remaining strength to thrust as hard as she could. She pushed upward toward herself simultaneously as the younger woman began to rub her clit. It was enough.

“ERINNNNNN I’M -”

She never heard the rest of Holtzmann’s scream. Erin’s orgasm hit her so hard she could barely catch her breath.

“HoltzHoltzHoltz, oh Jesus, I’m coming inside you!”

It took several minutes for the screaming, the panting, the sound of sweaty bodies pushing against one another to subside. When it did, Erin was able to lay Holtzmann back on the couch, resting her head on the engineer’s shoulder, still inside her.

“Fuck. FUCK. That was so hot baby. HNGH.”

“You liked that Holtzy?” Erin smoothed sweaty curls off Holtzmann’s brow, the engineer’s eyes still unfocused.

“I’ve never come that hard. Ever. Not even using my own hand.”

“Mmmmm. I came pretty hard too. I wasn’t expecting that, but you looked so delicious coming apart like that in my lap.”

Erin smiled at the fact the toy was still inside Holtzmann. It only meant one thing.

The night was just beginning.

“Holtzy. There’s a can of whipped cream in my briefcase. Ready for round two?”

Holtzmann bit her lip.

“Only if I get to lick every single drop off of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP.
> 
> I've got all the angst coming up next, so I hope you enjoyed this.
> 
> (Btw, did I mention gadgets and I are both really, really depraved? This will be important later)


	3. mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rumors of my demise were unfounded.
> 
> So yeah, I'm still here. My life kinda went off the rails the last few weeks (mostly in a good way, thank you), thus the writing bug was dormant. But I'm getting back into the swing of things now.
> 
> Of course I come back with a large helping of angst, because well, it's me.
> 
> This one's for all those who have a complicated relationship with a parent or parental figure.

Erin didn’t think much of it when a well dressed woman walked into the firehouse one late morning. All kinds of people used their services - she assumed this woman was the owner of some gaudy old mansion, haunted by the spirits that occupied it at the turn of the century. Erin watched from her desk as the woman approached Kevin, a rather haughty look on her face. She said something to the receptionist, who turned and bellowed.

“HOLTZMANN. YOU HAVE A VISITOR?”

“Jesus wept Kev. Not so loud. She’s just upstairs.” Patty shook her head as her desk was closest to the receptionist, the shouting taking her concentration away from the book she had been reading.

“COMING!” Holtzmann yelled from her upstairs lab moments before sliding down the firepole, her combat boots making a loud clump as they hit the floor. She sauntered over to the reception area with her usual swagger until she saw the woman waiting for her.

Holtzmann stopped on a dime.

“Jillian,” the woman said in a clipped tone, her well manicured nails clasped in front of her expensive looking tailored dress. 

Holtzmann’s adam’s apple bobbed from what looked like a painful swallow. Her voice was so faint, so shaky, Erin could barely hear her from where she was sitting a few feet away.

“Mother.”

Erin’s eyes widened. Holtzmann had never mentioned a family, much less either of her parents. She assumed she had no contact with them, or worse, that they no longer existed. The fact that this well coiffed society woman was her Holtzmann’s mother was hard to fathom.

_ Wait. _ Her _ Holtzmann? She’s not mine, she’s… _

The cool, abrupt tenor of the older woman’s voice interrupted Erin’s thoughts, her glare at her daughter unmistakably disapproving. 

“So. This is your place of employment now. This -” she made a sweeping gesture with her hand, Erin noticing the large stones in the rings she was wearing, the obviously expensive and meticulous manicure that she had taken care not to smudge or chip. “What is this, a police station?”

“It’s a former firehouse.” Abby’s voice was loud and dry from her desk behind the woman. She paid no attention to the comment by her daughter’s colleague, her stare focused squarely on the fidgeting blonde.

“I like it.”

Erin could feel the fear, the sadness in the way Holtzmann spoke. Gone was the confident, quirky engineer they all knew and love. Standing in front of her was a woman who was a shell of her usual self.

Holtzmann’s mother shook her head, sighing huffedly. “We can discuss this over dinner. I have reservations tonight at 7 at La  Coincé. Please be prompt Jillian.” The woman spun on an expensive heel and turned toward the exit. She paused before leaving and glanced over her shoulder.

“And Jillian. Be presentable.” There was a slight condescending smirk on the woman’s face before she turned back and pranced out the front door.

The firehouse was enveloped in silence for a moment before Holtzmann turned toward the stairs and ran, her combat boots making loud sounds as she took two steps at a time at a high rate of speed. Her four colleagues still sat stunned at their desks until Patty broke the silence.

“Geez Louise, what a see you next Tuesday. Bitch.”

“I didn’t know Holtz still had a mother.” Erin spoke shakily, stunned by what had transpired in front of them.

“Well, now you know why she doesn’t speak of her family. Poor Holtz.” Abby shook her head. “Erin - you should go up there in a few minutes. Make sure Holtzy is ok.”

“Me?” Erin squeaked. “Why me?”

“She needs you Erin.” Patty spoke plainly, her eyes displaying an amount of understanding that the physicist was too afraid to admit to herself.

_ She needs me. _

“O-okay.” Erin rose stiffly from her chair, apprehensively ascending the stairs to Holtzmann’s lab. When she reached the top she saw the engineer perched on one of the windowsills. She was looking forlornly onto the street below, all whilst twisting a screwdriver between her fingertips.

“Holtz?” Erin approached the blonde cautiously.

“Yeah?” Holtzmann’s voice was barely audible, her voice filled with so much pain Erin swore she could feel her heart breaking.

Erin grabbed a stool and placed it next to the window, sitting down next to the younger woman and placing a tentative hand on her shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Holtzmann let loose a shaky sigh. Erin was shocked when the blonde began to speak, convinced she would clam up as she usually did when faced with an uncomfortable and emotional situation.

“My dad died when I was eleven. He was a teacher at the local high school. Him and mother met when they were in college. She was a sorority girl looking to find a rich husband. He was a dashingly handsome nerd. They went on a couple dates. My mom got pregnant. With me.”

Holtzmann picked at a small piece of lint on her green cardigan. Erin squeezed her shoulder, encouraging her to continue.

“My dad was awesome - I got my love of science and taking things apart from him. Him and mother were… distant. Dad tried, but she had no interest in romance. Or him really. Somehow they liked one another enough to have a second kid three years after I was born. My brother. He’s my mother’s favorite - shallow and more concerned about appearances and making money.”

“I was dad’s favorite.”

Holtzmann reached into the pocket of her worn cargo pants to pull out a photograph neatly folded in half. She handed it to Erin, a look of sadness on her face. The physicist opened the photo carefully to reveal an image of a bearded man with a kind face, crouched down so he could put his arm around a young Holtzmann, not more than 6 or 7-years old. She could see the special bond between them, both with the expressions of love and admiration on their faces.

_ She has his eyes, _ Erin thought wistfully.

“I had gotten home from school. My mom was waiting for me at the door. ‘Jillian I regret to inform you your father had a heart attack at the high school. He is no longer with us.’ It was like she was talking about the weather. And she turned around and walked away from me. Just left me in the doorway, hysterical.” Holtzmann angrily swiped at the tears now falling down her cheeks.

“Oh Holtzy, I’m so sorry. C’mere.” Erin extended her arms to pull Holtzmann into a loose hug, the engineer wrapping her arms around her. She could feel wetness where Holtzmann had buried her face into her neck. Erin rubbed small circles on the blonde’s lower back, trying to offer as much comfort as she could. 

“Come with me.” Holtzmann’s voice was muffled against Erin’s shoulder.

“Pardon?”

The engineer pulled her face away from Erin’s shoulder to reveal tear tracks and bloodshot eyes. “Come with me to dinner. I can’t deal with her Erin. It’ll be endless criticism and personal insults. I remind her too much of my dad. And she’s not too fond of my alternative lifestyle, as she so succinctly puts it.”

“Tell her you can’t go.”

“No.” Holtzmann shook her head. “It’ll make things worse. Better for me to go and tough it out. She’ll just shake her head at me and then leave me alone for the next two to three years. Until she feels obligated to make me feel like shit again.”

Erin could feel the rage boiling up inside of her, infuriated that her own mother would treat such a wonderful person like Holtzmann in this manner. She knew going might lead to something that she would regret later, but saw the pleading in the blonde’s watery eyes.

“Ok Holtzmann. I’ll come with. If that’s what you want.”

“It is. Thank you Erin.”

The look of pain and gratitude on the engineer’s face made Erin’s insides clench up.

“You’re welcome Holtzy.”

* * *

Holtzmann played with the buttons on her purple vest incessantly while in the taxi on the way to the restaurant. The dread and nervousness came off the engineer in waves, so Erin gently grasped one of Holtzmann’s hands, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

After much encouragement, Holtzmann had made a brief yet tense phone call to her mother informing her Erin would be accompanying her to the restaurant. The physicist could tell her mother didn’t approve, but probably sensed that Holtzmann would be a no-show without her, so she relented.

Holtzmann hesitated once they were dropped off in front of the restaurant, one of the most exclusive and expensive in the city. The physicist couldn’t blame her, knowing both of them would most likely be out of their element in such a stuffy, elegant environment. The company they would be keeping didn’t do much to assuage their nerves either.

“C’mon Holtzy,” Erin extended a hand to the blonde, who accepted it while walking stiffly into the restaurant. The physicist noticed Holtzmann’s palm was sweaty and clammy, the slight trembling in her fingers.

_ The effect this woman has on her. She’s so small. So un-Holtzmann like. I need to protect her. To bring her back. _

“Um, Holtzmann?” The engineer stammered to the maitre’d, who gave the couple the once over. “Ah yes,” he sniffed somewhat condescendingly as he led them to a table toward the back of the restaurant. Erin looked down at the simple black dress she was wearing, the dress pants and jacket Holtzmann wore with a pair of freshly polished wingtips. She thought they had both looked nice, presentable. But judging from the stares as they walked through the restaurant, she knew they’d never fit in.

Holtzmann’s mother stood up as they approached their table. “Ah, Jillian. Right on time. For once.” The blonde mumbled a “hello mother” before slinking into a chair. The older woman looked at Erin expectedly, as if she was waiting for something.   


“Oh, I’m Dr. Erin Gilbert. Particle physicist.” Erin extended her hand out to Holtzmann’s mother, who accepted it, giving it two precise shakes before withdrawing it and sitting down.

“So, Dr. Gilbert. Whatever in the world happened for you to be casting lots with someone like my daughter?”

It was the start of a tedious and painful evening. Mrs. Richards (as Holtzmann’s mother preferred to be called, Erin learning she had married a wealthy lawyer not long after the engineer’s father had passed away), taking every opportunity to ask Holtzmann pointed questions about her life, and the decisions she had made which she didn’t approve of. The woman’s needling was often met with silence, or a mumbled response from the blonde, all while she picked at her overpriced dinner while looking like she was trying to disappear within herself.

Erin for her part stewed. She so much wanted to respond, to retort every single dig and accusation Mrs. Richards leveled at her daughter. It was the end of the evening, after coffee and mousse had been consumed that the older woman leveled her final volley of the evening.

“Your brother is one of the top litigators in Manhattan. And at such a young age too. I’m so proud of him. Yet you have no concept of how embarrassing it is to see you trapezing around New York in that ridiculous outfit you all wear, doing whatever it is you do. I cringe every time someone asks if that’s my daughter.” The woman sniffed. “In any case, try to do better Jillian. Or at least not make so much  _ noise _ .” Mrs. Richards stood without another word, turning and walking confidently toward the exit.

Erin sat for a moment in stunned silence before witnessing Holtzmann crumble in front of her, the engineer putting her elbows on the table and covering her face, small sobs racking her body.

_ Enough. _

The physicist threw the napkin that had been sitting in her lap on the table and stood, walking toward the exit with a purpose. She saw Holtzmann’s mother waiting outside, adjusting her mink stole around her shoulders to shield herself from the chill of the autumn evening.

“Mrs. Richards?” Erin’s voice was barely controlled rage, louder than normal. The other woman turned to face her, a raised eyebrow only infuriating her further.

“Ah, Dr. Gilbert. Come to say goodbye?”

“No.” Erin took a moment to gather herself, to speak as calmly as she could muster. “Holtz - Jillian is a wonderful person. Smart. Funny. Brilliant and innovative. I’m sorry she doesn’t fit into whatever mold you think is proper. But she’s an unique, wonderful woman and I can’t let you leave without calling you out on your abusive… crap.”

“Ah, I see, you’re the latest woman keeping Jillian’s bed warm then? Let me offer you a piece of advice Dr. Gilbert. Jillian will break your heart without a second thought. That’s what she does. She’s simply incapable of forming any sort of meaningful relationship.” The corner of the woman’s lip upturned with a slight smirk. “Just like her father.”

Erin saw red. Before she knew it her face was inches from the other woman’s, her voice hard, shaking. “Don’t ever contact her again. Not if you’re going to be a heartless bitch.” She pointed her finger threateningly in Mrs. Richards direction. “If you do, I 'll make you regret if for the rest of your life"

The older woman’s eyes widened, momentarily speechless. Just then a luxury car pulled up to the curb, a young, well dressed man popping out of it to open the back passenger side door.

“Well then. Good day.” Mrs. Richards strode toward the car, but Erin noticed her gait was less confident, less regal. She didn’t wait to see the older woman off, hurrying into the restaurant to check on Holtzmann, who was still in the position which she left her moments earlier.

“Holtzmann,” Erin said softly as she placed a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

The cab ride back to the firehouse was met in silence, Holtzmann sniffing periodically, Erin holding her hand and rubbing the back of it with her thumb. She placed a hand on the engineer’s back as they entered the building, Holtzmann heading straight to the reception couch and collapsing on it. Erin sat next to her, putting her arm around the other woman’s shoulder, waiting for her to speak.

“Sorry,” Holtzmann mumbled sadly.

“Sorry? What on earth are you sorry for Holtzmann?”

“I dunno.” Holtzmann leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. The physicist saw a tear fall down the blonde’s cheek and land on the linoleum below.

“Holtzmann. Hey. Look at me.” Erin gently grabbed the engineer’s chin with her fingers and turned her head so she could look into her eyes. 

“Your mother is wrong. Dead wrong. About everything. You are a wonderful person. The best. I know it hurts, but forget everything that poor excuse for a mother said to you tonight.”

“What - what did you tell mother when you went outside after her?”

Erin swallowed. “That she was wrong. That you were not obligated to live up to whatever bullshit she thought you should be. That you are an amazing woman. And that she shouldn’t contact you again until she realizes that.”

Holtzmann’s eyes widened. “Erin, why - why would you do that for me?”

Months of feelings and denial came crashing down on Erin in that moment. Suddenly, she could see clearly. She was ready.

“Holtzmann. It’s because I love you.”

She leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on the engineer’s lips, a small gasp escaping Holtzmann’s when she pulled away. Erin could feel tears welling up in her eyes, shocked to see the blonde reacting similarly

“Didn't you listen,” Holtzmann stammered. “I'm weird and strange, you should find someone normal to smooch.”

“I’ve had my share of normal, no thanks.” Erin pushed a wayward curl behind Holtzmann’s ear. “You’re the only person I want to smooch right now. I’ve wanted to for a long, long time.”

The engineer was the one to initiate the kiss that followed, this time with more passion, longing. Holtzmann pressed her forehead to the physicist’s when they came up for breath.

“I love you too.”

Erin smiled and traced the other woman’s lips. “I want to show you how worthy you are of my love tonight. And every night.” 

She stood and offered her hand to Holtzmann. When she felt the blonde’s hand slip into hers, she knew she could help take the pain away.

Erin knew this was right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had a happy ending. Don't look at me like that. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. And I promise you'll see me around more. Which could be a good or bad thing ;)


	4. apart

76 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes and 43 seconds.

That’s how long it will be until she comes home. 

That’s how long it will be until she comes home to  _ her. _

It’s unfair really, Holtzmann muses. Things were paused before they had barely started. Months of longing looks, lingering touches, unfettered innuendo. She wonders how long they could have had one another if they’d just admitted their feelings instead of circling like sharks. 

Reality came crashing down one day at the firehouse when Erin nervously cleared her throat and stated she had an announcement. Holtzmann smirked, thinking it wasn’t a big deal, but something the neurotic physicist had conjured up to be. In return, it would lead to some light teasing and flirting afterward.

Erin announced she had accepted a year-long fellowship at Stanford for a year. And that she was leaving in three weeks.

Time stopped.

Patty and Abby moved to embrace Erin, offer their congratulations. Even Kevin patted Erin on the head, letting her know he was proud she would be meeting some fellows on a ship. But all Erin could look at was Holtz, who was frozen in shock and was doing everything in her power not to burst into tears.

“Congrats Er.” She had put on her best face, but her smile felt like a piece of rope pulled taut, her throat pulsing from a sob that so badly wanted to escape. “Um, I have something in the lab I gotta check out. Dangerous. Poofs. You know.”

She ran up the stairs and could feel four sets of eyes on her back. But only one of them mattered right now.

Only one of them was breaking her heart.

Much later, when she thought she was alone, Holtzmann pulled her glasses off and placed them on top of the workbench. And she sobbed.

Holtzmann never cried. Emotions were for dudes. But her chest heaved and tears burned a hot trail down her cheeks, then chin, then neck. She couldn’t catch her breath.

Slim fingers grasped her bare forearm and three words met her ears.

“Don’t cry Holtz.”

Bleary eyes found dark blue ones, and before she knew it she was captured in an embrace.

Before she knew it, her lips were covered by another’s.

It wasn’t romantic, their first time being on the old couch in Holtz’s lab. But they had to have each other, especially now when time was short. 

_ Make the most of every hour. _

Erin’s hand down her boxers, slow, deliberate circles making her cry out her name in a way she had never said anyone else’s ever before.

_ Make the most of every minute. _

Two fingers feeling like they were swimming in velvet heat, half-lidded eyes looking up at her in wonder as Erin shook and moaned, a symphony to her ears.

_ Make the most of every second. _

Holding Erin close, their bodies covered in sweat and who knows what else as the sun’s first light peeked through the second floor windows, their love-making causing time to slow and nearly stop, until they realized they had been learning about their bodies for countless hours.

And then three weeks felt like three seconds, with Erin preparing for the move amidst the usual routine of busts and paperwork and equations. 

Except now every one of Erin’s spare moments was consumed by Holtzmann, their lips battling, skin sliding against skin causing the most delicious friction, their eyes watery as they held each other, breathing heavily.

“I love you,” Holtzmann had murmured the night before the departure as Erin’s hands were in her hair, her knee between her thighs. The physicist was on top of her, in Erin’s bed, the last fleeting moments of a coupling that could have started months and weeks before. A coupling that meant more to Holtzmann than her own life.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Holtz.”

The departure was almost anti-climatic, the crying and fretting having been done in the cab ride to LaGuardia. Holtzmann handed Erin her carry-on near the security checkpoint and they paused.

_ How long until I see this beautiful face in person again? _

Erin pulled her close, kissing her with controlled passion.

_ How long until I feel the softest lips I’ve ever felt once more? _

She winked at Erin as she went through the security line. 

She vomited in an airport toilet.

They texted incessantly, Holtzmann thankful she had an unlimited text option on her calling plan, even though she texted Erin now more in one day than she probably had in total the last two years combined.

They Skyped. Sometimes it would be a chat, talking about their days, Holtzmann making Erin laugh with one of her silly faces, Erin making Holtzmann smile with her sweetness. Other times it would evolve into something more.

Holtzmann never thought seeing someone’s face could get her off. But as she told Erin what she wanted to do to her, how much she missed feeling her, the look of pure lust and wanting on the other woman’s face as she took care of herself off camera was beyond intoxicating.

She’d get herself off night after night to those memories. Erin’s cries, a head thrown back as she moaned her name. They way she’d seductively lick her finger on camera afterward. That memory was usually the point Holtzmann would pulse around her own fingers and keen.

Holtzmann never thought being farther apart from someone would make her love her more.

But it did. 

Her texts were the first things she woke up to every morning, and a corresponding declaration of sugary-sweet love the last thing she did before falling into slumber.

Alone. But not for long.

They had so many plans. They’d move in together, a townhouse, perhaps a single-family home. Erin would cook, Holtzmann would fix things around the house. They’d garden, do laundry together, stay up late at night watching the worst movies Netflix could buy.

One day they’d get a dog. And maybe a cat. Holtzmann was angling for an iguana as well, but Erin just dryly responded, “we’ll see.”

They wanted to travel the world together. See things they never thought they’d have an opportunity to lay their eyes on. Eat the best food. And retire to a four-star hotel and slowly undress each other, make love until the sun came up or the guests complained. Whatever came first.

But they had to wait.

Holtzmann hated waiting. She never slowed down. Everything was a rush to her, a burst of adrenaline that was barely controlled.

But now she had no choice.

She knew on the other side was everything she had always dreamed of. Everything she never thought she was worthy enough to have.

76 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes and 43 seconds.

Holtzmann would finally be whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time and distance. It's the worst sometimes.
> 
> <3


	5. anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extreme fluffiness ahoy!

It felt like yesterday. It felt like decades prior.

For Holtzmann there was the Before. And the After.

Before Erin Gilbert.

After Erin Gilbert.

It was in the early stages of After that it happened. Months of flirting, light touches and heart-eyes from across a loud and cluttered lab. An awkward question, forced due to the continuous prodding and encouragement from Abby and Patty. Forced due to many a late night pondering a future Holtzmann might not  _ have _ to spend alone. Forced due to a want and a need that had overcome every cell, every nerve ending in the engineer’s body. 

A hesitant approach. A gloved hand rubbing the back of a neck. A chapped bottom lip that was being bitten down on by several teeth.

“So, uh, Erin? I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime. Like tomorrow? Or the weekend? Whatever works for you, no rush. I just think it would be…”

Dark blue eyes bore a hole right through Holtzmann’s heart.

“... nice?”

There was a brief pause, a moment where Holtzmann was sure that the ceiling would cave in on her. And in that moment, she wished it would.

“Jillian Holtzmann. Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Um, yes?” The engineer voice squeaked, causing her to wince.

“Meet me at my place tomorrow night at 7. You pick the restaurant. Don’t be late Holtzy.”

Erin gave Holtzmann a warm smile before spinning on a beige heel and walked toward the staircase, descending a floor below.

Holtzmann stood there stunned, glad that the ceiling did not, in fact, cave in on her.

She remembered it clearly. The tweed blazer Erin wore with her skinny jeans. The way she threw her head back and laughed at Holtzmann’s lame puns. Holding hands over after-dinner tea, a lovely meal at a cozy Thai restaurant just consumed.

A passionate yet short kiss goodbye at the front door of Erin’s apartment. Holtzmann knew she could have pressed, she felt the sparks between them, the desire. She had felt it for months. But for some reason, she held back, something telling her the time wasn’t quite right.

That chance came two nights later, on a warm Friday evening in May.

They had gone for drinks at a favorite local watering hole after a long day at work. Holtzmann had fidgeted most of the evening, playing with the zipper of her leather jacket. Zip up, zip down. Zip up, zip down. She was sure Erin noticed, and was perhaps even annoyed. But she couldn’t help herself, a feeling in the pit of her stomach that her entire life could change with whatever move she made next. 

It turns out she didn’t have to, Erin sliding into the booth next to her, returning from a trip to the bathroom. Before she could even greet her, thin, tapered fingers were in her hair, soft lips on her own. She was momentarily stunned. Dr. Erin Gilbert, particle physicist, author and extremely hot tamale, was kissing her.

Holtzmann waited a beat, and returned the kiss with such a fervor she felt Erin gasp in her mouth. 

She didn’t know how long they made out in that corner booth, only that her lips were swollen, her hair partially undone. Holtzmann looked into blown pupils and shuddered when Erin’s voice was seemingly two octaves lower than normal.

“Let’s get a cab Holtzmann. Let’s go back to my place.”

Holtzmann could only nod, words escaping her, overwhelmed by the feelings and sensations that had taken over. They continued their makeout session in the cab, in the apartment elevator, against the front door of Erin’s living room. 

She couldn’t get enough of Erin. She wanted her everywhere, to imprint her very soul on Erin’s psyche. She wanted them to become one.

At 3:12 AM Holtzmann cried in Erin’s arms, spent, sweaty and as content as she had ever felt in her life.

“I love you Erin. I think I always have.”

Erin’s gaze was as intense as it had been not long before, when she was above Holtzmann, telling her it was ok, to let go.

“I love you too Holtzmann.”

Now, as Holtzmann sat in a corner booth, a booth that had seen better days, she could hardly believe it had been five years since they had sat here.

Five years since Holtzmann’s life finally began. 

There had been speed bumps. Holtzmann’s tendency for late hours and reckless behavior on busts had caused many a tiff. Erin’s propensity for being a neat freak, only amplified when Holtzmann moved in three years prior, and her inability to let her hair down and just _ feel  _ sometimes frustrated Holtzmann. 

But through it all, they had each other and the purest form of love. A love you were lucky to get once in a lifetime. So many laughs, achievements and nights of passion had been shared in the last 1,826 days. 

Holtzmann couldn’t remember a life without Erin Gilbert.

Fresh from a cab ride from the firehouse, a vision in an MIT sweatshirt approached her.

“Come here often?” Holtzmann drawled, never forgetting the first words she had uttered to her love, all those years ago at Higgins.

Erin smiled and looked down at her sneakers before gazing into Holtzmann’s eyes.

“Only once.”

“Oh, tell me what happened that one time.”

Erin slid in the booth next to Holtzmann and cupped her cheeks.

“I realized I had fallen in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life making them happy.”

The kiss might not had been as special as that first time, but for Holtzmann it was a reminder of everything she had gained. 

It was a reminder that she was whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thirteen years ago today, I met my now-wife at a Thai restaurant for a lunch date. Elements of this story are taken from real life events that have transpired between us over the years. 
> 
> I am the luckiest woman in the world <3


	6. drawer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Red Alert* This is a pants-ruining chapter.
> 
> Yeah, so I realized it's been a minute since I've written some pure filth, and now you reap the benefits. I think.
> 
> Anyway, if you read this in public don't send me your cleaning bill *ahem*

All she wanted was a screwdriver. 

What she found staring back at her was about a foot long, dark purple and required batteries.

Erin froze. Tried to pretend that she didn’t know exactly what it was.

_ Why is there a vibrator in Holtzmann’s tool box drawer?  _

She didn’t know long she stood there, gazing at it, all sorts of x-rated images filtering through her head like a filthy flipbook. 

The sound of boots clomping on the staircase, snapped her out of her fantasies. She quickly reached for a flathead screwdriver, involuntary shivering when her fingers brushed the sex toy.

_Do you know where that toy has been? Probably all the places you wished your…_  

“Stop,” Erin said softly to herself after she grabbed the tool she needed, closing the drawer before scampering over to her work area. By the time Holtzmann appeared at the top of the stairs, Erin was already back at her desk, appearing to be idly flipping through a recent physics journal. She hoped the blonde wouldn’t notice the way her breathing was heavier than normal, the flush on her cheeks. 

“Back from lunch, hot stuff.”

Holtzmann winked at Erin before sauntering over to her workbench, flipping her boom box on to a loud pop song. She fired up her soldering iron, resuming repairs on Patty’s proton pack.

Erin tried not to stare at Holtzmann’s nimble fingers, the way her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated. She felt a hot wetness between her legs that wasn’t there a few moments earlier.

_ This is getting out of control… _

The engineer looked up and raised an eyebrow at Erin, as if she could sense the smoldering looks that were being directed her way. Erin averted her eyes, pretending to read the journal in her trembling hands.

_ I’ll wait until she’s gone to fix that loose screw on my whiteboard. I can’t have her knowing I was in that drawer.  _

The sound of Holtzmann singing along to the music provoked Erin to look up again. Her eyes widened at the sight of the blonde’s hips gyrating to the beat as she continued to focus on her work.

Erin crossed her legs. And hoped she wasn’t leaving a wet spot on her chair. 

* * *

Normally Erin felt guilty, even unclean, thinking about Holtzmann when she touched herself in bed before falling asleep. It was as if she feared the younger woman would be able to sense the following day that she had been fantasizing about her while she got herself off.

This particular evening though, Erin couldn’t have cared less.

Her brain expounded on all the dirty thoughts she had had about Holtzmann after she’d found the blonde’s vibrator. Her fingers moved furiously on her clit as image after image flashed through her head.

Erin pressing Holtzmann against the wall of her lab, kissing her fiercely.

How Holtzmann would feel around her fingers. How she would taste.

Taking the younger woman from behind, pounding into her as Holtzmann lay pressed against her workbench, screaming Erin’s name. 

The last image sent Erin over the edge, a drawn out cry of “Holtzmannnnnnn” escaping her lips as she threw her head back in ecstasy.

Her chest heaving as she came down from her orgasm, Erin pondered the last fantasy that had turned her on so much. She usually was fairly passive in the bedroom, but the thought of controlling Holtzmann, wrecking her, made her wet.

Erin smirked as she fell into a deep sleep, one last fleeting thought filtering in her consciousness.

_ Take a risk Gilbert. Holtz won’t know what hit her. _

* * *

It was several days later that Erin finally had the courage to put her plan into action. She made sure to wear a pencil skirt with her pair of pumps with the highest heels. After an extra 15 minutes in the bathroom that morning spent on her hair and makeup, Erin was sure she’d capture Holtzmann’s attention that day at work. 

Just to make sure this would be something they both wanted.

Erin ignored the low whistle from Patty, the raised eyebrow from Abby as she entered the firehouse. She tried not to smirk as Holtzmann turned the corner out of the kitchen with a mug of coffee and froze upon seeing her, spilling a decent sized dollop of her hot drink on the linoleum. 

“Good morning Holtzmann.” Erin gave the engineer her most innocent smile as she walked past her, reveling in the slack-jawed stare Holtzmann was giving her. She could feel the younger woman’s eyes on her back as she ascended the stairs to her work area.

She already felt a building heat in her lower extremities. 

It was during lunch that Erin put her scheme into place. When Holtzmann left the lab for a coffee run, Erin crept over to the engineer’s tool drawer, pleased to find the purple sex toy still in the same place she had found it several days prior.

She hid it in her desk. And waited.

The afternoon was uneventful, everyone keeping busy without any calls to go on. Erin feigned working on some equations in a well-worn notebook, surreptitiously stealing glances at Holtzmann from across the lab whenever she could. She noticed the younger woman seemed to purposely be avoiding her gaze. It was unusual, but surely not unexpected given Holtzmann’s reaction every time they did lock eyes.

It was a look of pure, unadulterated lust. 

When Patty departed for the day around 5:30, leaving Erin and Holtzmann alone in the firehouse, the physicist took a deep breath and opened her desk drawer.

She may have wiggled her hips a bit more on purpose as she approached Holtzmann’s workbench, the blonde scrutinizing a switch box she had just wired. Erin noticed her hands were shaking. She placed one hand on Holtzmann’s shoulder and stood as close to her as she could manage, her other hand behind her back, hiding the sex toy from view.

“Hey Holtz." 

Erin tried to make her voice sound as sultry as possible. She wasn’t sure if it was, but the resulting shiver from Holtzmann told her it had its desired effect.

“Hey, um, Erin.”

Holtzmann purposely averted her gaze, not daring to look Erin in the eyes. The physicist found it endearing that the younger woman was so flustered. 

She also felt powerful. In control. And with a deep breath, Erin took the plunge and never looked back.

“So I was looking for a screwdriver the other day, and I found something interesting in your tool drawer.” 

“Oh?” Holtzmann finally looked up at Erin, meeting her gaze. When she saw the unmistakable look of desire in Erin’s eyes, the engineer gulped.

Because she knew  _ exactly _ what Erin had found.

Erin brought the vibrator out from behind her back and twirled it between her fingers. “My, my Holtzy. Sex toys in the lab. Is that safe?”

“Uh, Erin, I can explain?" 

“What’s there to explain Holtzmann?” Erin leaned forward so her lips were so close to the blonde’s ear they practically brushed her earlobe as she spoke. “You’re a young, vibrant woman. You have needs. We all do.”

There was a beat of silence, Erin noticing a thin sheen of sweat breaking out on Holtzmann’s temple.

“Sometimes when I’m at the lab alone late, I have… urges…”

“Who are you thinking about when you’re using this toy on yourself? Whose name do you scream when it gets you off?”

Erin heard Holtzmann whine.

“Tell me Holtzmann.”

The engineer’s voice was so soft it barely could be heard above the hum of the nearby containment units. 

“You.”

Erin put the vibrator down on the workbench, using her now free hand to grab the strap of Holtzmann’s overalls, the other hand winding itself in messy blonde curls. 

She kissed Holtzmann with a passion she had never felt before. For anyone.

Holtzmann moaned before returning the kiss with equal fervor, months of unresolved tension now unfurling itself within the four walls of the lab. Erin spun the younger woman around so her back was up against the workbench, never breaking contact with her. 

Now that she had her, she never wanted to let Holtzmann go.

Eventually they came up for air, Holtzmann with a stunned smile on her face, Erin with blown pupils, wanting more.

So much more.

“Take off your overalls and boxers Holtzy.” 

“Why?” Holtzmann gave Erin a cocky grin, daring her to wipe it off her face 

“I’m going to show you how to use this vibrator properly. I’m going to make you come so hard Holtzmann.”

“Fuuuuuck." 

Erin watched as shaky fingers undid the clasp of her overalls, Holtzmann kicking off her sneakers before sliding her pants and boxers off in one swift motion. She kicked them to the corner, licking her lips nervously under Erin’s scrutiny.

“You are so fucking hot Holtzmann. Now hop up on your workbench, will you?" 

Holtzmann nodded obediently before using her arms to lift her now bare ass onto the top of the workbench. She shivered under the cool touch of metal underneath her skin.

“Good girl. Hold onto my shoulders, ok? Don’t let go. Or I’ll stop.”

“Yeah.”

Erin put her face close to Holtzmann’s and replied sternly. “That’s not the proper way to address me.”

Holtzmann swallowed.

“Yes, Erin.”

The physicist leaned forward to capture Holtzmann’s lips again, the engineer putting her hands on Erin’s shoulders as instructed. She reached behind Holtzmann to grab the vibrator, turning the dial to its highest setting. She heard Holtzmann whine against her mouth at the telltale buzzing sound. Erin pulled back and smirked.

“Spread those legs for me Holtzy. Hang on.”

Erin had used many a vibrator in her day, many a lonely night spent in need of company she never seemed to find. This was the first time she would be using one on another person. And Erin intended to use every bit of knowledge she had gleaned over the years. 

A light touch of the tip of the vibrator to Holtzmann’s clit made the engineer almost jump right off the workbench.

“Shit!”

“Like that?” Erin moved so her head was resting on Holtzmann’s shoulder, her head turned so her lips were close to the blonde’s ear. She placed her free hand on Holtzmann’s back, slipping it beneath the engineer's shirt so she could feel the hot, pliant flesh underneath.

“Mmm, yes Erin.” The redhead pressed the vibrator against slick heat a little harder. “Oh fuck, baby.”

“Slow or quick Holtzmann?”

“Huh?” Holtzmann’s voice was high pitched as Erin now drew wide circles over her clit with the sex toy.

“Do you want to come quick or do you want me to draw this out. I’ll let you choose this time. I’m feeling charitable and you’ve been such a good girl tonight.”

“Fast,” Holtzmann moaned. “Erin, please, I need -”

Erin cut off the engineer’s pleas. “I was hoping you’d say that. I’ve been wanting to know forever what you sound like when you come. I don’t want to wait any longer honey.”

The physicist pressed down on Holtzmann’s clit hard with the sex toy, pleased at the way the blonde’s hips bucked in response.

“Fuck. I’m so close Erin.”

“Already? Do I make you this hot? Have you been fantasizing about this for awhile Holtz? Me taking you on your workbench? Making you scream? Making you come so hard?”

Erin learned quickly that dirty talk was something that drove Holtzmann mad, the engineer gripping her shoulders so hard her knees nearly buckled. 

“Jesus, don’t stop. I’m gonna come baby, I’m coming so hard for you…”

Holtzmann threw her head back and let loose a low moan, the sound making sure there wasn’t any doubt that Erin had soaked her panties clean through. 

“I’ve got you sweetheart, I’ve got you.” 

Holtzmann collapsed forward, putting her forehead on Erin’s shoulders as she trembled, her orgasm washing over her in waves. When groans quieted to soft whimpering, shaking curbed to slow shudders, Erin pulled the vibrator back, switching it off and placing back on the workbench. She drew Holtzmann to her, stroking her back while rocking her gently.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you?”

 Holtzmann’s voice was muffled against Erin’s neck, the vibrations causing the physicist to tremble slightly. 

“Probably as long as I have. But we’re both dorks, so this took way longer than necessary to happen, I’m sure.”

Holtzmann leaned back, Erin looking into clouded, but bright blue eyes.

“I’m glad you needed that screwdriver the other day.” The engineer smiled smugly. “Have any need for help screwing something?”

Erin snorted. “You’re terrible Holtzmann.”

“You won’t be saying that later,” Holtzmann murmured before taking Erin’s bottom lip in her teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, maybe this will break me out of the slight bit of writer's block I've been mired in. Heh.
> 
> Anyway, comments are always appreciated. This fandom is the best <3


	7. asido

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when you've been in a bad headspace as of late and your muse is being a jackass.
> 
> All aboard the angst-train. Apologies in advance.

It was everything Holtzmann dreamed of.

Months of pining for Erin had finally come to fruition in the form of a nervous confession. It happened after consuming a bottle of red at the firehouse, post-binge watching half a season of The X-Files. As the physicist fidgeted, her hands wringing, Holtzmann leaned over and planted a rather chaste kiss on her lips.

Things moved rapidly after that.

Holtzmann took Erin on two dates before “putting the moves on,” respecting her girlfriend’s nervousness about becoming physical. But when she slipped a hand under Erin’s blouse to cup one of her bra-clad breasts on her couch, the moan that resulted made Holtzmann see stars. 

It was not the only time that happened that night.

For four hours the two of them explored one another, learning every inch of their contours, what made the other scream. 

As she drifted off to slumber, held securely in Erin’s arms, Holtzmann knew she was in deep. When she fell, she fell hard. 

Everything was perfect.

  
  


**_...how my tongue dried into the dust..._ **

  
  


There were three things Holtzmann loved most about her relationship with Erin.

The random acts of affection. A hand on her shoulder while showing her colleagues her latest invention. A thumb stroking her palm as they watched movies together on the couch. The cuddling. The pet names ( _ “Do you need anything sweetheart?” “I love watching you work, babe.” “Thank you honey.” _ ) A light kiss on her brow as she was falling asleep.

Feeling as if she could talk to Erin about  _ anything _ . Holtzmann had always found it difficult to connect to others, Abby being the first person she’d ever truly opened up to. But with Erin, it was easy. The blonde told her things she’d never told anyone else, and by proxy, discovered more about herself. She loved when the two of them would laugh together, most likely due to one of Holtzmann’s endearing quirks. But she cherished more those quiet, introspective conversations. 

Sex with Erin was incredible, but it was the sexy things outside of the bedroom that drove Holtzmann mad. Those smoldering looks from across the lab, especially when others were there, making the engineer shift uncomfortably. The way Erin would wear tight skirts to work, or not zip up her jumpsuit all the way, offering a glimpse of soft, milky flesh. Erin had a way with words that drove Holtzmann crazy. Whenever they were apart, Erin would fill Holtzmann’s phone with the most filthy texts, so much so the blonde was surprised her phone had not yet burst into flames. There were several times Holtzmann excused herself to the firehouse bathroom, hand down her pants as Erin described in vivid detail what she would do to her later that evening. Or what she wanted Holtzmann to do to her.

Holtzmann had never had a relationship like this.

  
  


**_...how my skin willed a lie…_ **

  
  


“I’m not in love with you.”

Holtzmann was mute, sitting perched on her stool next to her workbench. A screwdriver in one hand. The other gripping the tabletop so hard her tendons ached.

It had been three months.

“Erin -”

“No. Holtz, just stop.”

“But -”

“It’s not you, ok? It’s me.”

The blonde couldn’t help the snort that escaped her lips.  _ What a fucking cliche. _

“I’m serious. I just can’t -”

“Can’t what, Erin?”

The physicist looked down at her sensible, beige pumps. 

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie.” When she looked up, a single tear trailed down Erin’s cheek. “I wanted this too. Believe me. I tried. So hard.”

“I love you more than anything.”

“Holtzmann, please.”

The two women were silent for a beat. Holtzmann’s voice was quiet. Shaky.

“If you didn’t love me, what was all this? A game?”

“No, Holtz. I wanted to love you like you love me. I really did. But I couldn’t. Not like that.” Erin shook her head.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. ”

“Too fucking late Erin. Too late.”

Holtzmann stared blankly. Erin talked for a few moments more, the engineer not registering a single word she said.

_ You are my life. Were. _

She looked up when she heard the front door slam, the sound echoing across an empty firehouse.

“I LOVE YOU. DON’T LEAVE ME.”

  
  


**_...drill a hole in the field…_ **

  
  


They were as professional as possible, given the circumstances.

But after several days of being miserable, Holtzmann was angry.

_ All those things she said to me. All those declarations of love. All lies. _

_ How could she do this to me? _

They still worked as a team during busts. But while at the firehouse, Patty spent as much time with Holtzmann as possible, making sure she took care of herself, giving her pep talks when needed. Abby in turn kept Erin in check.

Holtzmann wanted to hate Erin.

She couldn’t.

_ I’ll always love you. No matter what. I just can’t help myself. _

Holtzmann sometimes wished she could go back in time. Not to get so involved. 

_ But perhaps knowing a moment of happiness was better than none at all? _

Holtzmann wasn’t so sure anymore.

  
  


**_...just the size of my thighs…_ **

  
  


She sighed.

_ I should have seen it coming. _

_ Everytime I’m happy, it eventually goes to shit. _

_ I am a perennial fuckup. _

Holtzmann sat on the firehouse’s rooftop, her knees up to her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to think of the times herself and Erin spent up here. The lovemaking that took place only feet from her current location.

_ At least I thought it was love. _

She had slapped a veneer on, acting almost like her old self while working. Still inventing. Cracking jokes. Busting ghosts with almost a childlike glee.

Holtzmann wasn’t fooling anyone. She saw it in the sad eyes of Abby. The frequent hugs from Patty. 

The way Erin never truly looked at her anymore. 

_ We had something. It was special. _

Holtzmann gulped.

_ But I’m not special. _

She wiped furiously at the tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.

_ I’ll never be special. _

Holtzmann covered her ears before rocking back and forth.

_ No one will ever feel as lonely as I do. _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I took it all out on these poor babies.
> 
> Chapter title and lyrics interspersed are from purity ring's new song, [asido.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ivaGaT2jq0)
> 
> Hopefully I'll return with something more cheerful sooner than later.


End file.
